Lost Without You
by CatherineWinner
Summary: They're two different people dispite their love for each other, and they've reached the end of their road. OneShot Angst [wincest]


_I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes  
A little righteous and too proud  
I just want to find a way to compromise  
Cos I believe that we can work things out_

_I thought I had all the answers  
Never giving in  
But baby since you've gone  
I admit that I was wrong_

Dean went to hell for him; he sold his soul for him.

Sam went to hell to save him; he fought and endure torture to bring him back.

That combined with the facts that they were not only brothers but brothers who were hunters and partners in every way in their lives, Dean assumed there was nothing that could break them apart.

That was before his brother informed him of his intentions that he was still going to he leaving him.

"This isn't like last time, Dean. We're done, we've done our job! The yellow eyed demon is dead…we've killed everything that came out of the gate that night. We freed you from that eternal damnation thing. We need to move on." Sam raved that night.

_All I know is I'm lost without you  
I'm not gonna lie  
How am I gonna be strong without you  
I need you by my side_

If we ever said we'll never be together  
and we ended with goodbye  
Don't know what I'd do  
I'm lost without you  


"I thought we were." Dean tossed back with the same fury.

"I don't mean by continuing to hunt. This isn't a real life, Dean…it's existing between hotel rooms…spending more time pumping gas then looking around at the rest of the world." Sam waved his arms around the dinghy room to prove his point.

Dean forced himself to take a breath, "This is our life, Sam. It always has been always will be."

"It doesn't have to be." Sam threw back.

_I keep trying to find my way  
but all I know is  
Im lost without you  
I keep trying to face the day  
Lost without you_

Am I ever gonna get rid of these blues?  
Baby i'm so lonely all the time  
Everywhere I go I get so confused  
You're the only thing that's on my mind

Dean lost it, "So what do you suggest we do? Maybe I could dig graves and you could-"

"Why do you have to be like this?" Sam snapped, "What's so wrong with wanting another life."

"Sam, we're Winchesters…we've been hunters since before you could walk. I was killing demons before I was kissing girls. Dude-this is our lives."

"Well I want more." Sam muttered his voice full of the defiance Dean remembered from their father.

Dean glared back. His arms crossed over his chest. He knew that different look in his brother's eyes; he's known it for years. And he hates it, truly despises it, because he knows that every time he sees it his life is about to change. For the worse.

"Fine."

"Fine?" Sam repeated. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I guess I shouldn't be surprised." He's reaching for his jacket before he's even finished speaking. His heart his breaking and he knows in about two minutes he's going to be sobbing. So he wants to get out of there. Like Right now. "You want to go and we both know I can't stop you."

Sam watches in stunned silence, his face so drawn, and hurt Dean curses himself.

His hands are around the door handle when he hears his baby brother's hoarse whisper.

"You're not even going to try?"

Dean tires to hide the flinch that goes his entire body, but he knows he's failed when he sees the way his brother drops his head. "No."

_Oh my beds so cold at night  
I miss you more each day  
Only you can make it right  
No I'm not too proud to say_

All I know is I'm lost without you  
I'm not gonna lie  
How Am I gonna be strong without you  
I need you by my side

He doesn't remember leaving the hotel room, he knows the walk was less then five minutes and he knows it was cold. Before he realizes it, he's standing in front of the shady bar, fifty dollars in his pocket and a broken heart. The perfect recipe for a hang over and a ragging headache.

He knows he's in for a long night.

Dean enters the bar, not caring when everyone stops their drinking to watch him step toward the bar. He orders a drink and seats himself. Slowly the crowd begins to talk and the clatter of beers soon fills the bar.

He's almost grateful for the noise…but it's not loud enough to block Sam's words from his mind though. He can still see his brother's broken face; his words ring in his mind.

He silently wonders why he has to go through all this again. Wasn't once enough? Wasn't watching the man he loved, the brother he protected, the only real friend he ever had, leave once sufficient? Why did he have to sit back and watch it all over again?

_If we ever said we'll never be together  
and we ended it with goodbye  
Don't know what I'd do  
I'm lost without you_

I keep trying to find my way  
And all I know is  
I'm lost without you  
I keep trying to face the day  
I'm lost without you  


He remembers what his father told him he did the last time Sam left. He trashed two bars and was found naked and bleeding forty eight hours later in an ally. He doesn't remember a single thing…expect the pain Sam inflicted. And now it's back again.

He remembers the first and only time he begged. Sam was packing his bag to leave. It was before he had even told their father and Dean was all but on his knees begging his brother to stay. He hated to remember it but even now he could still feel the warm tears on his face, the desperation and panic gripping his mind and body.

It's exactly what he felt fifteen minutes ago, what he's feeling now. When Sam told him he wanted to leave again.

The bar tender pushed a beer toward Dean, he grasped it and lifted it to his mouth.

He remembers hell. He remembers the torture they put him through, he remembers his skin being peeled from his body, he remembers the endless fires and pain. He remembers he endured it without any regrets because he knew his Sammy was alive. He knows that even now, he'd willingly go back down to save his brother. He knows that if it made Sam stay, he'd go back right now.

Another swing of beer slide down his throat, burning its way down. To bad Sam didn't understand those feelings.

_If I could only hold you now  
Make the pain just go away  
Can't stop the tears from running down my face  
oh  
All I know is I'm lost without you  
I'm not gonna lie  
How my I gonna be strong without you  
I need you by my side_

He's half wasted when he notices him. He's tall, has shaggy hair and his eyes are intense as Dean's. He looks just as beat and used up as him. Dean nods, silently inviting him over. He sits beside Dean, who orders them a round with a simple wave of his hand. They drink in silence until Dean can't see straight. But he doesn't need to see straight to know his hand is rubbing up and down his drinking partner's leg. Dean uses his free hand to finish off his eleventh beer, then grasps the man's hand and yanks them up and pulls him toward the door.

His drinking partner doesn't bother to fight or resist as Dean leads him behind the bar into a dark and smelly alley. Dean doesn't ask permission as he shoves him against the wall and begins unzipping himself. Neither men try to make a sound when Dean pounds into him. Dean knows he's hurting him, it's raw and always hurts, especially when Dean's making sure it's painful. Minutes later he's finished. He can't help but feel a certain enjoyment when his partner comes with a painful moan.

Dean doesn't quite hear the actual question. Could have been 'are you trying to kill yourself' or it could have been or simply "You need therapy," Either way Dean found himself forced to talk.

"I don't need a therapist." He spat.

"Fine, what do you need then?" he asked softly.

_If we ever said we'll never be together  
and we ened it with goodbye  
Don't know what I'd do  
I'm lost without you_

I keep trying to find my way  
And all I know is  
I'm lost without you  
I keep trying to face the day  
Lost without your love

"I need the person I love to stay for once." His hand tightened around his brother's hip bone. He knew it was tight enough to leave a mark and that simple fact made him smile. "I'm sick of being left behind when I love him and I know he loves me."

"I'm not trying to leave you, Dean. I just-" Sam muttered, his voice hoarse and tired.

Dean released his hold on Sam and stepped back. "You don't want to hunt, I'm a hunter."

"You don't have to be." Sam replied, turning to look at his brother. "You-"

Dean hooked his belt around his waist then gave his brother a blank look. "And you don't have to leave me."

_I keep trying to find my way  
And all I know is  
I'm lost without you_

"I don't want to leave you! God, you know I love you! Dean…please, come with me."

"No," His voice couldn't have been harder. It couldn't have held more contempt.

"You don't love me enough to come." Sam whispered, tears pooling in his eyes.

Dean jerked his coat tighter around his body. "You don't love me enough to stay."

Sam stared in shock at his brother. Dean stared right back, not allowing any of the emotions that raged through him to show. Sam took a shaky step forward and tried to touch his brother. Dean forced himself to step back. Sam flinched and dropped his hand

"So what happens now?" The younger brother asked, tears running down his face.

Dean looked down the alley, in the distance he could see the motel where the Impala was parked. "I don't know."

But he did, and he did just that. He left, allowing his brother to become a fancy Lawyer while he devoted himself completely to hunting.

_I'm Lost without You_


End file.
